I Hate to be Maudlin, but….

I’m a pretty optimistic kinda guy. Yes, I have bouts of crippling depression, and when anything is seemingly going right for me I have a habit of becoming slightly bi-polar, bouncing off the walls one minute and in a pit of despair the next. But on the whole I’m a happy guy. I hate putting any downer feelings on others. I hate saying that, actually, I’m not that great. And I tend to smile, laugh, and chat, even if on the inside I’m feeling as black as a moonless night.

I don’t know whether it’s the run up to Christmas, but today I’m feeling awash with greyness. The dating game can be an energy and emotionally sapping affair. I don’t know how people do it. How they find the energy to keep that snowball rolling, to keep meeting guy, after guy, after guy, until they find the right one. Since starting the dating game after a decade out of it, I can’t say I’ve had any horrendous experiences. Everyone has been extremely nice, surprisingly so in some cases.  I’ve dated about ten guys over the past few months.  Two I could have seen more with, but circumstance didn’t allow it. One was ideal and had I been able to will myself into liking him more it would have been perfect. And of course, Mr Fun keeps on rumbling along in the back of my mind.

Meanwhile, trying to actually find a decent date seems to be getting increasingly hard. All the hotties are taken, or sexually incompatible. They’re too young, or they’re too old. They’re not in my shallowly small circle of attraction. And the number of men who turn out to be coupled and just looking for NSA is astounding! I’m don’t judge, each to their own, but it doesn’t make it easy when half the guys who could be a good date turn out to have boyfriend or husband already!

You get to the point where the thought of going on another data, of having to talk about yourself AGAIN, of having to basically have the same conversations over and over, becomes despairingly awful. Today I just want to already have that someone, to not have to constantly put myself out there, to not put on that shining smile and eager personality to help seduce. Today, this modern hermit is feeling decidedly blue.

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