I’m the first person to admit that I’m completely emotionally stunted. I’m on overly optimistic character that can fall into a pit of depression within minutes. I cry at anything on TV…ANTM, Extreme Makeover, Neighbours for hell’s sake, but give me a real life desperate situation and I’m as dry as the cracked bed of a desert stream. I never get truly angry (a concept I learnt as a child for fear of actually doing real damage to someone) and I don’t date or have relationships because it makes me emotionally unstable. In fact I live life on an emotional plateau for fear of getting really hurt and my slightly hermitage existence gives me the perfect space that I need to do this.
But of course, everyone has the natural urgings of lust and passion and so once in a while, on a full moon, or a moment of heightened optimism, I put myself out there and dip a toe into the misty water of hooking up. I’m odd when it comes to dating. I’ll tell no lies, I’m the epitome of shallow and am only really attracted to guys that punch well above my own line. I can date guys I find ok, but it never goes anywhere because there’s no spark, yet I turn and flee as soon as the hottest thing in the club walks my way because surely its a dare, or he’s drunk, or its 5am and I’m the best looking thing left. And so…I get nowhere.
Last year I met K, someone who I find it difficult to describe just how much of a spark there is with. He’s cute, funny, hot at the same time. He’s passionate yet caring. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had and yet its only ‘No Strings Fun‘. Obviously I didn’t contact him after our interlude in the night, yet almost 12 months after I get an unexpected text and we’ve now seen each other twice in as many weeks. But now I’m battling the unexpected, the stupid grin on my face, the crazy thoughts that truthfully have no place in my mind. My head says no strings, enjoy what you’ve got and don’t push it. My heart says he’s gonna break you into a emotional crumbling mess but lets take that chance.
Its more annoying than anything. Does the true ‘Samantha’ ever exist where sexual encounters can be fun and fulfilling without the emotional connection? I don’t think so…for surely without the emotion there’s no fufilment? And whilst in a day or two I’ll probably be over K for the next 12 months, at the moment my heart is pounding as my head screams “no, no, no”.