Sometimes, when you least expect it, hermit mode hits like a slab of concrete flying off of an skidding lorry. By all intents and purposes life is brilliant, I’ve had lots of TV work, the weather is warming, bringing Spring’s tendrils ever closer, and 2010 looks bright and perky. I should be happy.
But obsession and hermigy (that is Leonora’s term for my odd state of mind leading to random bouts of energy) are once again closing me down. It’s an odd feeling, not dismal or dark, just a constant flux of emotions with an emphasis upon being morose or tearsome. I almost enjoy the wallow, the oddness, the intensity of brief flickering feelings that speed out of my soul as quickly as they enter.
However, it does nothing to focus my mind when I should be focussing. I have a book to write, with deadlines. I need to be pro-active in my television career, in my blog, but its like a momentary flicker of doubt, no, uncaring, stops me in my tracks. It’s not lazy – I run marathons, I can dance all night, I’m a fairly energetic person – but somehow a greyness fills my head, stamping every optimistic thought out as they briefly light in a somewhat diminished flame. I lose the feeling to talk, I sometimes even lose the capacity to speak, and though I know I’ll re-emerge at some point, I’m oddly content in my darkened, quilted hermitage.